Please just let me be me ~by Nutan Sarawagi

” For the poetry prize of the India ”

 

Please just let me be me

**********************
You think I am brilliant
Which I am anyway not
brilliance lost in it’s own sunshine
a heart beating without a heart !
to set my mind to rest
to test myself of all the things
I know I may have said ?

do I really mean what I say ?
or is it just to cover myself
from the sinking feeling
which never lets go
sinking down my heart !

the shadows of depression
that never leave me
the haunting feelings which
forever haunt me
only to taunt me
that I know too much
or at least pretend
to know too much !

I have a lot of learning to do
and unlearning too
before I rest myself in peace
making peace with myself
telling myself that I have a long way to go
before I set myself to rest
without any protest !

I hate myself I know
want to destroy everything I know , not know
taking down with me the little or nothing that’s left of me
sinking it deep within me !

I sink
not letting go of myself
I think
then why do I want to die
just another pretense to lie
that I don’t want to live
when I am actually DYING..to LIVE !

I say I am not afraid of death
it’s the biggest lie to myself !
why I am afraid of telling the truth
believing in half measured truths ?
I am tired of testing myself so much
selling myself to others’ for not much
they don’t know what I want ?

I just want to rest in peace
to be alone with myself
where even I cannot find myself !

Can you help me !

I am a liar to the core..who believes in no one
hurting others to save myself
in the bargain hurting everyone !

what’s my problem ..I don’t know ?
no harm to me has anyone done
then why am I not bleeding myself
instead of bleeding others’ to death ?
why don’t I get a life
before I destroy others’ lives !

who has given me this right ?

it is MY ‘I’ which protests
but no one..can take it away from me
and replace it with thee, for anyone is better than me
in this game of being one
I have already lost , no one has won
I just want to be one
with thee !

Oh god please help me !

I want to believe in thee
but my reasoning , just does not let me be
for if I don’t exist..then how can you be ?

so both of us let’s die , like stars in the sky
in another day we shall live
where life will be a distant dream
where only you and I will live
that day I shall await
when you will be one
with me !

until then please let me be
I just want to rest in peace
please just let
me be
me!