standing~by Kira’s Hymn

 

 

standing

“it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.” — K. Shymn

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
my brain won’t turn off
i just don’t want to sleep
so i get up and sit on the window sill
and i look down at the street
and i think about how in a 1 second decision
i could be sleeping forever
and the only thing that stops me is
my fear of people
people finding me
people judging me
people feeling bad for my family
so i don’t go
because of people

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i need to move
i need to run away
because the mind runs stupid
so i get up and put my hood on
i walk out
in the 3 am glow of street lamps I walk to the bridge
and i lay on the edge
and i think about floating away
and the only thing that stops me is
that i’m tired now and i have to get up at 8 tomorrow
and that other meeting at 2
so i don’t go
because of tomorrow

sometimes when i’m supposed to be sleeping
i just want to talk to someone
so i scroll through all my contacts
and imagine what i would say
and the only thing that stops me is
that i wouldn’t even really know what to say
or how it would help
so i don’t call
because of me

it’s just funny
that the reason i’m in this place is because of the things i won’t do
and i won’t do those things because of the place that i’m in.

so here i am
standing in a never ending storm
the kind of storm that leaves you outside until you are too far to go home
that’s when the pouring comes and the soaking happens
when the wind tears you apart
and you don’t even have a stupid umbrella prepared
that’s where i’m standing
but i’m not going to be standing much longer
i think soon i’ll be drowning
in the aftermath of this storm.
©Kira Shymn

~~ posted on 3.6.18