“Nose Pickers”~by Michael Graves

 

 

“Nose Pickers”

I saw you pickin’ your nose today.
By God, I didn’t know what to say.
It shocked me though to see you there,
just finger-busy and unaware
that your reputation as cool and complete
was going down to dull defeat.

I’m frankly shocked and taken aback;
that you’d even think of taking a whack
at sticking your finger in your nose
and workin’ it ‘til the dermis glows.
I never dreamed you were the kind
who used your fingers to unwind.

It’s widely known, I’m sure you’re aware,
about nose pickers everywhere;
they’re actually a far cruder bunch
than you’d ever want to ask to lunch.
Largely because, (for at least one in ten)
you don’t know where that finger’s been.

Nose pickers’re all underachievers,
indolent bums and basket weavers;
creatures of the worst possible kind.
Why, nose-picking can even make you go blind!
It’s distracting in the worst possible way
and once you start, it won’t go away.

I’ve heard that if the habit lingers
it’ll make hair grow on your fingers!
Something else that gives me fits, is
frequent nose picking gives you zits!
Others will tell you (and this is tough)
that nose picking leads to harder stuff!

It worried me so much, I felt
like I’d been hit below the belt.
So I found the wisest man I could;
someone who absolutely would
give me advice so sound and true
that I would then know what to do.

I climbed tall mountains, searched the woods
I looked in places no one else could.
And finally upon the highest peak
I found a man with whom I could speak.
I found the wisest of holy men
someone on whom I could really depend.

And I asked him “Holy, reliable sir,
is it just me or do you concur,
that nose pickers should be roundly condemned;
the practice prohibited, forcefully stemmed.
And those who practice it, absolutely
shunned for living so dissolutely?

He looked at me and scratched his head,
he cocked his eyebrow, swallowed his bread;
then he answered me in a solemn voice
with a certainty that left no choice.
“Let him decide to cast the first stone
who’s always left his nose alone.”

–Graves 4/27/12